The Very Thread that has been Woven into the Fibers of My Life

 

This is my talk from church services today. My blog is my place to gather some of my significant experiences, and often they are from serving in the church. Right now, we are living during a pandemic, schools are largely closed, financial security is uncertain for many, and our housing market here in Boise is skyrocketing.  Politics have been heated and the world seems uncertain right now.

Here are my thoughts and words:

Good morning sisters and brothers-how are you? I hope you are doing well. I hope the burdens of life are lifted and lighter for each of you.  In times of uncertainty and struggle, I like to reflect on the lessons I've learned that have helped me accept the challenges I am dealing with.  Reflecting on the blessings, and lessons make each struggle or trial easier to endure. And so, I thought I'd share the stories of "How the gospel is the very thread woven throughout the fibers of my life."  

When Jake and I were first married he asked me where I wanted to live and to name five states. We both had a desire for adventures. We made our lists and then Jake finished his bachelor's degree. Jake wanted to work in international business or investment banking. So, we worked towards those goals.

We had one child, Jabren and we were ready to commit to our goals. Jake networked and found an opportunity in investment banking. He flew out to interview; received a job offer. As we talked about it we couldn't feel good about it.  This matched our plans.  But it wasn't right.  We trusted the Lord that this wasn't right and we'd need to find another path.

So we found another path.  He worked towards passing his GMAT exam to enter a master's program. in international business. He was accepted to Southern Methodist University in Texas. During the process of applying, we had the unexpected shock and blessing of finding we were going to have twins. With bed rest, and babies Joshua and Jamesen born two months premature we were still hopeful our plans would work.

With prayer and trusting in the Lord, we discussed our circumstances. We just couldn't move to Texas and further Jake's dream for a master's and work in international business. Our focus needed to be on the needs of our 3 baby boys under three years old.  I trusted the Lord that these two little miracles were the Lord's way of changing plans to take us to another path.

So we settled in and bought a home in Nampa in 2006 when prices were at the top of the market. We all know what happened in 2008. The economy fell apart. Jake was working for a bank in Boise and his division was going under. Many friends were losing their jobs, and their homes and we could see that it was headed our way too.

Jake networked and found an opportunity to go to an oil and gas company in texas that planned to prepare Jake for working internationally. Our adventures were on our way.  We were going to live somewhere new and have an adventure.  And we did. Just not overseas.

 During these years, I learned while serving in the church and in my ward, how to truly see someone as a child of God. My struggles in raising 3 babies helped me recognize the struggles of others in my ward and neighborhood as they were caregivers for disabled and dying family members. I learned compassion and knew better how to serve their needs too.

In Texas, I pondered that, though I loved the gospel and could easily testify of it, I didn't feel so confident in testifying of Jesus Christ. In a temple recommend interview I admitted this to my bishop, Bishop Jones. He recommended that I focus on the scripture in Matthew. "Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart, and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." I determined that I wanted to learn of Christ. That I could take his yoke upon me and do His work. I served in my callings. We humbly accepted the loss of our home in Idaho; grateful for a company who made it work for our good.

But the effects of the economy soon had its effects in Texas on this international company and overseas opportunities came to a halt. We were in a waiting place again.  The company transferred Jake to another division and we were on our way to Cleveland, Ohio. Oh, how I didn't want to go. It was 2011 and Cleveland was just rated "The most miserable city in the US". It didn't sound good to me. But I came to love our time there and lifetime friendships were made. Jake knew this job would move us every two years with the US, but it wouldn't help us become established, settled, or take us overseas. We felt stuck without a plan. So I continued to focus on raising our boys, serve in my calling. I served in the ward, and I loved the people there. We made friendships I cherish. And our family learned about the gospel.

Women there taught me what it was like to truly serve their ward family. Katie Beck, with no significant financial means herself, saw the need of a ward family and took them shopping at Goodwill for warm winter clothes for the upcoming winter. Meta Phillips and Billy Ochsner, two liberal women from Oregon humbled this conservative Idaho girl as I watched them be the first to be at the door of anyone who needed a friend, a babysitter, service or cheering up. They felt love service and love for their ward members to their core. I learned that I could internalize that kind of love more deeply and liberally.

And then there was Kirtland.  Kirtland, Ohio. It was 40 minutes from where we lived. We often took our boys and visitors to the church sites. We stood where the prophet Joseph and early saints lived. I wish I could convey the lessons I felt to my core there. As a couple, Jake and I came to love the prophet, Joseph Smith and his wife Emma. We stood in the room in Hiram, Ohio where he was pulled from his bed where he was caring for his own sick twins, and he was tarred and feathered. We stood on the doorstep where he preached the next morning for Sunday services. I began to feel the sacrifice he and Emma made for the gospel.

We learned of the teaching they received in Kirtland area. I consider that these Saints needed a plan. The church was getting its feet underneath them. They had plan. The Lord had given them a plan in the revelation: "Organize yourselves; prepare every needful thing; establish a house, even a house of prayer, a house of fasting, a house of faith, a house of learning, a house of glory, a house of order; a house of God."

This scripture was in the Kirtland Temple Visitors center in big print overtop a mural of the saints working together to build the Kirtland temple. It seemed to become engrained into my heart and soul. This needed to be our plan, our path. We would work toward establishing this kind of house.  

While living in Cleveland, we knew Jake's employment didn't fit our needs or wants. They were going to be moving us soon. And they asked Jake oversee a project in Chicago. But we didn't want to go. During this time in Cleveland, doing my daily work of the day one day, handling my church responsibilities and meeting the needs of members of the Relief Society, I received the prompting so simply and clearly to "Prepare yourself for a career." The impression was strong and had nothing to do with the plans I had for my life. But it came with a great sense of peace.

As we fasted many times for help and guidance on yet more guidance on another path for Jake's career, things suddenly happened so fast that instead of going to Chicago Jake tried one more time for grad school and was accepted. But this time it was into a completely different program than he had always wanted-a master's program in Education with an emphasis in Athletic Administration.  For the first time in 12 years of our marriage, he knew exactly what he wanted to do for a career. And it felt so very right. With the peace of the prompting I had received a year earlier, I felt certain that I could provide while he attended school. All of a sudden we were headed to Cincinnati, I took a job and he worked on his degree. We experienced so many blessings there. The Lord guided us to a perfect home, me a perfect job, and Jake became an amazing stay-at-home dad. Our boys learned how to work hard, with him running household chores. And we had a plan. And it was coming together.

And we served in the church. It was there that we as a ward learned valuable lessons together on "Mountains to Climb" in life. The member's faith was strong, and the love of the gospel was felt. I learned to admire the men in the ward who worked long hours at work out of town away from their families, and then they'd come to Sunday morning 6 am meetings to participate in ward counsels and do the Lord's work. I learned that this gospel is a labor of love, of caring for our neighbors, serving and teaching one another. Beautiful work that touches lives and hearts.

Jake was finished with graduate school. After looking for a job for a year we moved back home to Idaho and he started working his way into Boise State's Athletic program. He loves his job, but it comes with challenges and blessings. We knew I needed to help provide to make this plan work, and with his position working at a university- I could go back to school with little cost to us. I didn't know what to study or do. I had been happy to work, happy to have a job. I believe the Lord gave me peace in this. But after four years of working in a job, it occurred to me that the inspiration I had received in Cleveland years before-was to prepare for a career, not a job.

Using the gospel teachings as my guide and as a tool I considered and did as the scriptures teach us that "But, behold, I say unto you, that you must study it out in your mind, then you must ask me if it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right."  

I had a school catalog in my hand and I combed through every degree and narrowed it down to two. A teaching degree or a nursing degree. I had studied it out in my mind, and it was in faith that I prayed. Both options were equal contenders. My experience was like the scriptures teach. The path of nursing burned within my mind. I knew it was my right path.

And honestly, the next four years of school I relied on and still do rely on the answer I received to become a nurse.  We still feel unsettled in many ways. We needed to wait to buy a home for our family until I finished school. The market has changed so dramatically that it feels uncertain how we could enter the housing market now. Add to it the uncertainty of schooling for our kids-we are left wondering how this all is going to work out.

Not only has this last 9 months felt so uncertain, for Jake and me the last 14 years have felt so uncertain. But in reflection I recognize that  these years of uncertainty have allowed the teachings of the gospel to penetrate our hearts and my understanding in ways that prosperity and security and certainty wouldn't have allowed.  The gospel is the path. The gospel is the plan. The teachings of Jesus Christ is the way. Not our plans.

I know each of us has struggles. We're all trying to be patient as things transpire right now. It doesn't matter what path, challenge, trial or circumstance you find yourself in and wish you could alter, improve or change, ...as much as it matters that we choose to stay on the path of relying on the gospel of Jesus Christ and the teachings found within it to help each of us navigate the challenges we face.

Stay close to the church. Learn of Jesus Christ. "Organize yourselves; prepare every needful thing; and establish a house of learning, a house of glory, a house of order; a house of God."

Brothers and Sisters, I love this gospel, it is woven into the very fibers of my life. I am grateful for the instrument the teachings are for a guide and light our often-darkened path. And I'm grateful to have grown my testimony of Jesus Christ to where I can testify of my love for Him and his sacrifice and love for me; for my husband, for our children and for all of us.

My hope for me, my family and for each of you is that we learn how to weave the gospel into our lives, into our hearts by using it as our guide.

I share this message in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Of Shooting Stars, Birth Stories and of Knowing

I had a moment with my boy that I hope to treasure and remember always.  Tonight, I was driving home with my Jamesen, and as we turned onto our street we saw the magic and wonder of a shooting star in the night sky right in front of us.  It was undeniably real.  And amazing.  Jamesen exclaimed “That’s a shooting star!  I’ve never seen one before!”  He went on and on about having never seen one and that that was definitely a shooting star.

As I lay in bed tonight and can’t sleep I reflect on seeing my first shooting star. It was summertime and I must have been younger than 12 because my brother Doug was still living at home. He and my brothers David, Robert, and Curtis were gathering sleeping bags for a night outside on the trampoline.  That night was supposed to have meteor showers. I got my pillow and sleeping bag too and joined them. As we all laid on our backs, scanning the sky, each of my brothers took turns exclaiming and pointing to shooting stars.  I’d whip my head around to where they pointed and nothing was there.  Again and again, this went on.  I was frustrated and even distrusted their sightings.  I didn’t believe them because I hadn’t seen one.  But I also knew that they were genuinely in awe of whatever it was they were seeing. But when you haven’t seen one, you haven’t seen one. 

I tried to make my eyes see the whole sky at once.  I tried focusing on one area for long periods only to miss one in the other part of the sky.  No method seemed to be working.  I must have fallen asleep because I woke up to a still and quiet world around 2 am.  I opened my eyes to the bright night sky with the moon shining.  And right before my eyes, a big, bright star streamed, tail and all, all the way across the sky. And I knew what I had seen.  And I did not doubt that shooting stars were real, I knew it. And in such a very personal and special way.  Quietly and privately.

This moment shaped my life in many ways. I felt so very loved by my God. I felt He was aware of me and was sharing a gift with me that He knew I wanted and would be grateful for. His gift of a perfectly timed shooting star covered the entire sky as if to assure me that He wasn't going to let me miss it. Like a child being awakened by a parent on Christmas morning to see what surprises are prepared It allowed me to believe and trust in things I can’t see, yet.

This shooting star tonight has me pondering experiences from this semester in my nursing school work.  Before ever considering a nursing career I remember thinking to myself that if I was going to be a nurse I wouldn’t do labor and delivery of moms and babies.  Although it is largely a beautiful and amazing experience, I logically reasoned that I was uncomfortable with the thought of being capable of providing adequate, nurturing care to those who deliver in anguish because of the circumstances surrounding their baby such as rape, teenage pregnancy, poverty, broken homes, severe health outcomes, etc.  I just didn’t think my heart could handle that kind of pain and heartache regularly.  And so it is with this decades-old idea in my mind I started my 7^th semester of nursing school and the beginning of a Mother, Child and Family nursing course.  We had a boot camp where we learned a lot about labor stages, delivery and ended with a 40-minute video of mothers birthing at various stages of labor.  Lights were down, and I sat there so very uncomfortable with it.  The sounds of pain and moaning, the dads annoyed me how they were touching their wives to comfort them.  I was uncomfortable.  As the movie ended and lights turned up a classmate and friend had wet eyes, my professor was in awe and the majority of us were uncomfortable. My professor proclaimed softly “wasn’t that wonderful” and caught me off guard.  I realized that while both of us saw the same video our feelings about it were different. Her response reflected years of service as a nurse in the field and her awe and wonder of knowing first hand of being part of these moments with women and families. But I have very few.  I respected her perspective but did not have my own to identify with.

I have thought about this many times, and considered the metaphor it is to faith in God and in His son Jesus Christ.  I love the gospel and teachings of Jesus Christ. Like my professor is with birth stories, the gospel stirs my heart and warms my soul.  I feel strengthened, comforted, protected and given peace when I worship Him with the playing of hymns on the piano or YouTube, singing, serving neighbors, family or friends, and attending church services. But many have little experience or belief in a Savior healing and comforting them. For weeks, I left my thoughts at that. And I justified that I’m just different from my professor and classmate. I didn’t feel anything but discomfort from the birth video. 

Fast forward 8 weeks later. I started my clinical rotations in the hospital and one morning I was assigned to the Labor and delivery unit.  Most of the morning my precepting nurse and I met the needs of our one, laboring patient and around lunch, the floor charge nurse sent me to another room where a baby was coming. If I wanted to see a birth I needed to hurry.  I rushed to the room and quietly entered it to find the doctor working with a mother in a lot of pain and medical staff everywhere.  She was doing this naturally. No medications.  The baby arrived and I was full of emotions and so proud of this mom.  I went to the area where nurses were caring for the baby as the new dad watched and it became crowded so I stepped back.  I turned my eyes to the mom and she was grabbing for something to hold onto but couldn’t reach the bed railing that was down. I realized no one was with her while the doctor stitched her up and she was in pain.  I walked right up to her and said “Do you want my hand?” as I slid my hand in hers.  We locked eyes for a moment and the feeling of being there for her in her moment of need was surreal.  She didn’t let go for a long time.  Not till the doctor was done.

I left that day uplifted and on a high.  It felt amazing.  What I thought I would not enjoy, what I was sure was uncomfortable for me, what I did not see myself doing has now become a defining experience in my nursing school training.  What I couldn’t understand or be comfortable with logically, had me hooked.  I loved this moment. In 2 years of clinicals, this was my favorite day! I loved this work. My plans for my career have shifted to include the possibility of being a labor and delivery nurse.  The feeling of awe and wonder at being there during any woman’s moment of need at such a profound moment would be a privilege.  

Another classmate heard my story of this day and she assured me that of course, it’s amazing.  She calls it being a “birth junkie”; referencing her time as a doula.  Which she has told me about regularly for 3 ½ years since I met her in the university bookstore buying textbooks when we started this school journey together. Just because I hadn’t experienced it yet, didn’t mean that I couldn’t be changed and have my own experience.  Much like a non-believer can become a believer.

One scripture many Christians have been taught in Sunday school since we were young is “That at the name of Jesus, every knee should bow, of things in heaven, and things in earth, and things under the earth;”  and “that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.” -Philippians 2:10-11 KJV

In deeper ways now, it makes sense to me that when Christ comes, when He shows himself to the world someday that it will be possible for this scriptural prophecy to be accomplished.  In the same way as knowing you’re seeing a shooting star when you see it for the first time.

Many of us have varying levels of faith in Jesus Christ.  Some don’t know Him or accept Him as their Savior, some aren’t sure, and some devotedly love and feel gratitude for His sacrifice.  Our experiences with ‘seeing’ Him in our lives and many more circumstances affect our beliefs.

--> With this thought in mind, my thoughts trail to what I have learned of Joseph Smith and his personal experiences with Light.  He is the first President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and I somehow understand what he was saying more profoundly tonight.  This video portrays his experience of seeing God and Jesus Christ and the events surrounding this period in his life. https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/media-library/video/2008-06-01-the-restoration?lang=eng  I keep hearing his words in my mind: “I had beheld a vision. I had actually seen a light.  And in the midst of that light, I saw two personages.  And they did, in reality, speak to me. I knew it. And I knew that God knew it.  And I could not deny it.”
-->

Listening to my son's exclamations at seeing a shooting star and him knowing exactly what it was, and remembering that at one time neither of us knew what it was like to see one, I thought how it took no testifying or preaching on mine or anyone’s part for him to know what it was.  He needed no witness for him to know.  And neither did I.  But we both had to wait to experience it or to know that shooting stars are real.  We both learned and knew for ourselves, independent of any other's experiences.  And so it is with most things. A logical understanding of things can be taught, processed, considered and even shape us.  But they do not always elicit a “knowing” until a personal and real experience.  And knowing changes everything.